• Allison Garner

How Do I Invite Exactly What I Don't Want?

We are designed to see patterns. When I become intentional about the patterns I am seeking, I see them everywhere, especially behavioral patterns. I noticed that I was stuck in a doom loop with my spouse. We had the same argument we've been having for years, and I could feel myself falling into the same rut of behaviors that I always do. When I fall into my rut, I encourage him to fall into his. I see my husband as ungrateful which justifies me to feel resentful which fuels his justifications for behaving badly. And on and on we go.It's like a dance that we both willingly and consciously do together. I am literally inviting him to be ungrateful, just as he is inviting me to be resentful.

It wasn't until I chose not to go in the rut in the first place that interrupted our typical pattern. I decided to see my husband as someone who is doing his best whose needs and wants were just as important as mine. This thinking gets me out of the rut. It is also more likely to be met with similar feelings by my husband which keeps him out of his rut. Until I can change the way I think and feel towards others, I cannot interrupt the pattern of inviting them to do the things I don't want. It begins with me.

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